Sometimes, no matter how much support I get from those around me-
Or how often I visit other blogs and websites to gain comfort in the stories of all those other awesome mamas and mamas-to-be out there-
Or whatever the Boy does for me-
Or how desperately I attempt to cram every bit of information in my noggin from every baby book every written-
Sometimes...
I still feel scared shitless in what I'm going through.
And so utterly alone.
Friday, August 27, 2010
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
Back in the saddle again...
Holy crap. It's been *quite* a while since my last entry. I won't even attempt to churn out any "catch-up" entries, mostly because my brain can't even process all the details of everything that's happened these past few months. What I will do is give a quick run-down of all the important stuff I can remember happening since last we blogged:
With the help of both our families, as well as our friends Mikey and Nicole, we completed our big move to Oak Park. **We would not have been able to do this on our own, and will never be able to thank everyone enough for all the support we were shown just by everyone's involvement on that day!** It was particularly frustrating for me, not being able to exert myself to the level I wanted to by lifting and hauling the same amount as everyone else, but by the end of the day my exhaustion level was pretty on par with the rest of the crowd. Now that I think of it, I think I've blocked out a majority of that experience because, oh, did I mention?: I HATE MOVING.
Now that we're here, however, I have a confession: I have a HUGE crush. On my neighborhood.
How did I never experience Oak Park prior to moving here? It's the *perfect* marriage of urban and suburban: 15 min max to the Loop via 290, with the Green and Blue lines (practically) at our doorstep. AMAZING Farmer's Market within walking distance every Saturday; plenty of other lil' shops and eateries to explore the rest of the week. Library (walking distance.) Movie theatre (walking distance.) The Ernest Hemingway museum and Frank Lloyd Wright home/studio at our disposal. I mean, is there anything this neighborhood DOESN'T do? Side note: I'm a step away from booking a reservation at the Sushi house on Lake for after I pop the Beast out. Chef: "More volcano roll and sake for the new mommy?" Me: "Uh, duh."
Speaking of the Beast...
She is definitely living up to her namesake these days, as the little nudges and pokes from inside have swiftly morphed into right jabs and roundhouse kicks. Yesterday at work, I got a punch to the left lung that - literally - knocked the wind out of me. I think she's trying to tell me it's getting crowded in there, and I can't blame her: despite what I know to be inevitable, I can't imagine getting any bigger than I am now.
And yes, to address the gender-specific pronouns: shortly after the move, we had our 21 week ultrasound and were told at that time that it's a girl! I must admit, my initial reaction was "are you sure? can we double-check?" - mostly because I had felt so strongly that the little one must have been a boy: I had dreams early on in the pregnancy of a little boy who looked just like my handsome fiancee, and thought my intuition was giving me some insight. I now believe, however, that the perceived "intuition" I felt was merely another emotion I felt at the possibility of not carrying a boy: fear.
I'm not what one might consider "girly." Most of my friends consist of males rather than females. I consider myself a feminist: not in the manner most people perceive of the man-hating, bra-burning chick; I just do not endorse the expectations of my gender that are blasted from every corner of our mainstream media culture, and believe we - as women - should always strive to break through them, celebrating our own when we do (Three women on the Supreme Court for the first time in history? Hello?) All that aside, I was and am terrified of bringing another set of ovaries into this world. I'm worried of her being subjected to those same culture expectations that are thrust on every other female in our country/the world. I'm worried that I will be too critical of her her choices, whether they be mainstream or otherwise. I'm worried that since I don't fall into the category of "girly" or "uber-female," I won't know how to raise her "the right way."
I know, in the end, it all works out. These are just petty anxieties that have chosen to replace the other petty anxieties that my brain has already quieted. I'm sure when she finally comes, all those concerns will be the last of my worries (I hope, at least.)
Next on the pregnancy horizon: Baby Showers. We're heading back home to KY Labor Day weekend for Shower #1, and shortly after will have Keller-sponsored shower #2. I never imagined baby registries to be so overwhelming, but damn...they are. For those of my peeps that are newly-babied: what are some of the items that you would recommend putting on a registry? It can be an unexpected item you now can't imagine doing without, or an item/product you found after the baby came that you wish you would've discovered earlier. Since there's really an abundance of useless crap marketed toward new mothers, I'm trying to weed out all the bunk and just get to the good stuff that I'll actually need/use ;-)
With the help of both our families, as well as our friends Mikey and Nicole, we completed our big move to Oak Park. **We would not have been able to do this on our own, and will never be able to thank everyone enough for all the support we were shown just by everyone's involvement on that day!** It was particularly frustrating for me, not being able to exert myself to the level I wanted to by lifting and hauling the same amount as everyone else, but by the end of the day my exhaustion level was pretty on par with the rest of the crowd. Now that I think of it, I think I've blocked out a majority of that experience because, oh, did I mention?: I HATE MOVING.
Now that we're here, however, I have a confession: I have a HUGE crush. On my neighborhood.
How did I never experience Oak Park prior to moving here? It's the *perfect* marriage of urban and suburban: 15 min max to the Loop via 290, with the Green and Blue lines (practically) at our doorstep. AMAZING Farmer's Market within walking distance every Saturday; plenty of other lil' shops and eateries to explore the rest of the week. Library (walking distance.) Movie theatre (walking distance.) The Ernest Hemingway museum and Frank Lloyd Wright home/studio at our disposal. I mean, is there anything this neighborhood DOESN'T do? Side note: I'm a step away from booking a reservation at the Sushi house on Lake for after I pop the Beast out. Chef: "More volcano roll and sake for the new mommy?" Me: "Uh, duh."
Speaking of the Beast...
She is definitely living up to her namesake these days, as the little nudges and pokes from inside have swiftly morphed into right jabs and roundhouse kicks. Yesterday at work, I got a punch to the left lung that - literally - knocked the wind out of me. I think she's trying to tell me it's getting crowded in there, and I can't blame her: despite what I know to be inevitable, I can't imagine getting any bigger than I am now.
And yes, to address the gender-specific pronouns: shortly after the move, we had our 21 week ultrasound and were told at that time that it's a girl! I must admit, my initial reaction was "are you sure? can we double-check?" - mostly because I had felt so strongly that the little one must have been a boy: I had dreams early on in the pregnancy of a little boy who looked just like my handsome fiancee, and thought my intuition was giving me some insight. I now believe, however, that the perceived "intuition" I felt was merely another emotion I felt at the possibility of not carrying a boy: fear.
I'm not what one might consider "girly." Most of my friends consist of males rather than females. I consider myself a feminist: not in the manner most people perceive of the man-hating, bra-burning chick; I just do not endorse the expectations of my gender that are blasted from every corner of our mainstream media culture, and believe we - as women - should always strive to break through them, celebrating our own when we do (Three women on the Supreme Court for the first time in history? Hello?) All that aside, I was and am terrified of bringing another set of ovaries into this world. I'm worried of her being subjected to those same culture expectations that are thrust on every other female in our country/the world. I'm worried that I will be too critical of her her choices, whether they be mainstream or otherwise. I'm worried that since I don't fall into the category of "girly" or "uber-female," I won't know how to raise her "the right way."
I know, in the end, it all works out. These are just petty anxieties that have chosen to replace the other petty anxieties that my brain has already quieted. I'm sure when she finally comes, all those concerns will be the last of my worries (I hope, at least.)
Next on the pregnancy horizon: Baby Showers. We're heading back home to KY Labor Day weekend for Shower #1, and shortly after will have Keller-sponsored shower #2. I never imagined baby registries to be so overwhelming, but damn...they are. For those of my peeps that are newly-babied: what are some of the items that you would recommend putting on a registry? It can be an unexpected item you now can't imagine doing without, or an item/product you found after the baby came that you wish you would've discovered earlier. Since there's really an abundance of useless crap marketed toward new mothers, I'm trying to weed out all the bunk and just get to the good stuff that I'll actually need/use ;-)
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